Are you afraid to want what you want? The fear of desire… (Read Time: 5 min.)

eckhart tolle 2I had an assignment to do this week: complete a dream board.  Visions, dreams, goals, desires… My goal this week was to put everything in my heart on a poster board and take it in as being done… and I dragged my feet on doing it.

Why?

That’s the question I asked myself throughout the week, “Why am I not on this assignment?  What is taking me sooooooooo long?”  And, as with all questions that we ask and don’t want the answers to, I’d quickly change the subject by focusing on the next thing on my to-do list for the day… until I saw a colleague’s vision board and I had to face some hard facts:

Fact #1: I was avoiding the REAL issue.

Fact #2: I was scared to complete the board (keep in mind I’d started the board weeks ago… even before I got the assignment).

Fact #3: I had a serious preference for DOING rather than FEELING which only further masked the fear underneath both.

Ever been there?

You’re running from a fear but it doesn’t look like running because you’re actually standing still.  You’re simply too busy to pay attention to the truth… and you designed it that way on purpose (at least subconsciously).

Yup, I was doing that circumventing fear thing… only I couldn’t ignore it this morning.  My attempts at skirting the issue were no longer going to work.  So I did what I normally do when I face my fear: have a get-it-together-talk with myself.

The talk went something like this (between me, myself and I):

“So, what’s the issue here?  Why aren’t you doing this board?”

“Well…”

“You’ve got it 50% done.  What’s keeping you from completing the other 50%”

“I have a lot of things to do.  Putting together a vision board isn’t going to make that vision happen.  I’ve got to work.”

“You’re always going to have to work.  And?”

“Finishing it is going to take up major time.  I’ll get it done by Sunday.”

“Why would you wait and put that pressure and stress on yourself when you could just get it done today?”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“You know better than that.”

“I don’t want to.”

“And why?”

“Fine!  I’ll do it.”

So, begrudgingly, I started.  I started looking for pictures that matched up to the future I’m creating and, about 5 minutes into it, I felt the rise of sadness coming.  Here I am putting all of these glorious pictures on a board dedicated to my dreams and the one thing I wanted to do was cry.  Why?

3 things came up for me:

1) I’m afraid to want what I REALLY want.  You see, all of the items I’d put on the board up until this point were monetary or materialistic in nature.  Not easy to get but easily attainable if you do the right things and stay the course.  If you want a Porsche, guess what?  Work hard enough, make enough money and how easy is it to get a Porsche?  Super easy!  Want a big house in Malibu?  Apply the same equation and, before long, guess what?  You’re in your house in Malibu.  But what about a happy family?  What about more babies?  What about a cute 2 year old next to you holding her tummy as you hold your pregnant tummy where inside is her baby sister?  How easy is that to attain?  And what happens when you realize that the things you want most can’t be attained by something as controllable and easily attainable as money?  What then?  You see, as long as my board had the logical things on it, the things I know I can build over time, it was easy to create it.  I can want those things because from where I’m standing right now, I know I have the ability to get them.  But what about the babies and the big house that’s filled with the laughter of children and the synchronicity of a connected family?  What about that?  I knew from my own life experiences that those dreams are not under my total and complete control so to want them also means I have to have faith that, no matter how the past has turned out, the future can be better than it had been.  How do you have faith in something that you’ve seen crash and burn many, many times?  That was where the sadness came in…

2) I feel safer in GETTING it first and then BELIEVING that I deserve it second.  Hmmm, that’s kinda backwards, now isn’t it?  When you’re used to getting things “right”, your comfort zone lives in the world of “I got it right.  I did it right.  What you asked me to do I came through on earlier than I said I would more completely than I said I would.”  Call it overachieving or perfectionism or Type A but it all boils down to certainty.  I like certainty.  I like certainty a lot.  When I work on my business, I feel certain about my success.  When I don’t work on my business, I wonder how I’m going to make the time up.  Now, that may work in areas like losing weight and being a high performer on a job but when it comes to dreams, that formula really doesn’t cut it.  As Nelson Mandela once said:

mandela

3) If I’m capable of ALL of this, why has it taken me so long to step into my own power and actually do it?  Ooh, the “why am I not there yet?” question.  That sucker always seems to pop up in moments of epiphany, awakening and transformation, the second before you’re about to leap out on faith and, then, boom, it interjects one of those life cross-examination questions and you stop…  I wish I could give you some enlightened, philosophized answer to that question but I literally, in the midst of this get-it-together talk with myself, had to pull one of my “mom” responses: It just did. Translation: It took the time I needed to learn what I needed to learn so I’d be ready to go to the next level smarter, wiser, more ready for the challenges, better able to receive the blessings, and fully capable of accepting all that I deserve.  My soul quieted after that silent discussion.

I share this whole experience to tell you one thing:

You have the right to WANT WHAT YOU WANT…

I once heard Marianne Williamson say, “God would not give you a job to do without also providing you with the resources with which to do it.”  Dreams are God’s way of giving us Divine Assignments.  When He gave us the dream, He gave us everything we needed to fulfill it.  All we have to do is:

  1. Open up to what we want completely (say it, think it, write it; just OWN it)
  2. Believe that we CAN have it AND that we do deserve it (deservability is CRITICAL and Louise L. Hay has a wonderful audio on deserving.  Download and listen to it daily- I’m re-downloading it tonight), and
  3. Trust the timing of things.  When you’re ready, you’re ready.  When you’re not, you’re learning.  No time is wasted.  No experience is lost.  Wherever you are is where you are supposed to be.  In the words of Eckhart Tolle:

accept

FINAL POINT:

You CAN have what you REALLY want.

Breathe all of that statement in; love all of that statement out.  Go after your dreams…

Here’s my vision board.  I’m still afraid AND I’m still going after it:

dream board 2

 

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2 thoughts on “Are you afraid to want what you want? The fear of desire… (Read Time: 5 min.)

  1. ashley says:

    Perfect. I had to do a dream board last week and I felt all of this. So on point. Thank you!

    Like

    • You’re welcome! I feel much better now that I’ve done it and it’s helping my momentum but the creation part of that process was filled with fear. That’s why learning how to transform our fear into fuel (courage) is so critical! Thanks for commenting 🙂

      Like

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